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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Comic-Con: Playboy Bunnies and Felicia Day, My Nemesises...Nemesii?

Comic-Con is the Holy Grail for gamers. The only things slightly higher might be E3, BUT at Comic-Con you get all the really cool cross-over Hollywood stuff. My experience was amazing, I was hanging with the Playstation guys and I think a few really loved me. I was kicking butt on this totally new Scribbles game and then Ryan came by and beat the whole thing in a matter of minutes. While in my head I believed he was saving me from the horrible monsters in the game, I know he was just showing off.

As a group we managed our way into the Playboy Camp party. Bunnies everywhere and suddenly I don't even exist!? WTF? Seriously? Like these bimbettes could hold a candle to my pownage skills. But seriously, you put boobs out there and boys go weak. I sought solace in the fact it was actually a lot of fun and despite my hatred for them, the girls were actually fairly nice. Zip lines, t-shirts and lots of time to chat. Trent and I actually had a great long talk about the reality of Green Lantern vs. Captain America. At one point he got so excited he almost fell off our bean bag. Sometimes that boy can be cute. SOMETIMES.

Next night, EW party and boom! There is Seth Green and his gorgeous wife. Man, how I wanted to hate her, but not only is she gamer chic, she's uber nice. I guess since Seth is already married I can be pleased to know he chose well. I just wish she had one tiny flaw to give the rest of us hope. Then we end up following this group to another party, Ryan seemed to have the "in" everywhere making me kind of want to gag until we walk in and there he is. Captain Hammer himself. Can you believe it? Screw following Ryan around, I had only one mission. I was already inside and nothing was going to stop me.

I moved across the dance floor and just as I approached the hot Mr. Fillion, out of no where pops in Felicia Day. Like she's all that? But no, everyone loves her! Lines all over Comic-Con, boys following her around and next thing you know it has turned into a virtual "spot light" dance as they twirl across the floor together, looking happy, and gorgeous and overall making me sick. They are obviously totally BFFs and I stood there pea green with envy, I have no trouble admitting that. I am at least as cool as Felicia Day, just know one knows it yet. Again, wanted to hate her but as the song changed and everything moved faster we had a blast group dancing. She's nice too, can you believe it!? What is wrong with the world...I know these girls have some secret dark evil place, but I am meeting all the "good" ones. I guess that is one more girl I have to remove from my "Wall of Hatred." The night ended with me actually smiling, launching our magazine has definitely given us some new perks. Of course, it had to end badly as some un-named famous moron spilled a fruity red drink all down the front of my dress. Seriously? Why me?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

NASCAR??? NASCAR 2011 for Wii

Beggars can't be choosers and I suppose I should be happy my pleas have been answered. I am finally not reviewing some girly, stupid game. I remain stuck on the Wii games because the boys think the platform is "lame" but I don't mind that. NASCAR, seriously? That's the boy game I get? Not only is it the whitest sport ever, the racing in a circle thing is idiotic, right?

Man, was I wrong! On TV it might just look like a bunch of crazy rednecks who are drinking themselves silly but the tension, the killer attitude and the slick tracks make all your senses heightened. The steering with the Wii took a bit to get used to but once you get the knack you feel all the vibration and speed of a real track. I need to take this time to admit that Joe Bob is the one who taught me the value of this particular sport. I might have been whining a bit about having to play this particular racing game, but as he explained to me the technique and long-standing tradition I finally saw the light.

Joe Bob just paints this story of the under appreciated "good old boys" of the South. They have had it rough for a long time, no one lets them live down their past and this sport is just one little way where they get to show their real Southern Pride. He took the time to sit down and play it with me (I won, can you believe it?) and I can say Alex seriously looked worried when she walked in. She should be. I have goals with that man and he obviously appreciates a nice, non-Asian girl. I think I can give Alex a run for her money. She started it, coming into the office and making all the guys googly-eyed. Eat my dust beauty queen, your man appreciates a real woman....ME!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Wedding: Duchess of Crapbridge!

The entire lead up to this ridiculous royal wedding was annoying enough, but listening to the ludicrous news organizations yammer on and on about every little detail makes my blood boil. Like it is so shocking Kate Middleton looked amazing? She was already blessed with model good looks and top it off with endless money and she damn well better look like a million bucks, she was probably wearing more than that in diamonds and lace.

So what that they look happy? So what that they
were the only ones at the wedding who looked like they even cared. What does that say about the union? Everyone wearing those hideous hats and prancing around as though they were important. I love how everyone tries to pretend the future king isn't going bald at a shockingly young age. If he wasn't a prince there is no way a girl like Middleton marries the semi-bald dude, I don't care how "sweet" he is.

All I know is the bandwidth taken up by this overly pompous wedding slowed down online game play and plugged up all the important photo sites with 100's of the same pictures and people tweeting about how the couple "just passed." Well duh! You knew the route. It's not like they were waving at you. If they wanted to wave to you, you would have been in the church!

While I respect the couple is trying to be "of the people" but come on, like that's not just a big ploy to get people to "love" them? Even the pretend "shock" they feigned when walking out for their first public kiss. Yeah, they had no idea all those people would be there. Like that should have been such an important moment. They were shacking up before the wedding, you really think the kiss is so new? It isn't like when Diana was forced to marry that toad Charles, now there was a shocking kiss.

I guess we should all be glad there are finally a few good genes in the royal blood. Heck, at least the royal family is discerning, in America all you need is a sex tape to be a star. Maybe I should love Kate Middleton for being somewhat deserving of her fame...but I can't bring myself not to hate her.

I am glad her photos will be full of ugly hats. I think those smart daughters of Fergie chose the most hideous hats on purpose in protest of their mother being snubbed. That and the fact they obviously have no shot of ever being considered important in that Windsor Family, I can respect girls who are standing up for the normally pretty girls, what's wrong with normal? Why do you have to go so big to show off your gorgeousness. If you really want to be like the rest of the world, play it down a bit, then maybe, just maybe I could kind of like you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


I am not sure how I feel about the new girl in the office, Alex Cameron. While I would like to think this will elevate the respect of women in our workplace just looking at her makes me think not. I mean, who does she think she is? You can't look like that and garner respect! She should play it down a bit, she's not a super model, she's the boss. How can I look at her pretty, pretty face and not want to spoon her eyes out? Of course, if she is half as tough in the real world as she is in the gaming arena, I wouldn't want to be on the wrong end of that sword. Watching the guys oogle over her makes me sick. I can only hope it will turn her stomach just the same. I mean that has to be so mortifying to have men drool and fawn at your every whim. Linus couldn't even speak! How lame.

I have to give her a chance. She is likely to give me some great reviews because she will understand my fight to be recognized. She will understand my deeper need to please and be noticed. She might look like Lucy Liu but she has the brains of a genius or she wouldn't be where she is. We are approaching a whole new world, one where the women will rise to the top of the heap, be able to knock those dudes into submission and I will finally win over the most perfectly perfect specimen of a man and live happily ever after. Of course I am talking about Ryan, he's just so perfect and he even singled me out the other day... I mean Ryan Reynolds naturally, there are no other Ryan's on the planet. Scarlett you are a fool! You didn't deserve him anyway!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Animal Crossing: Good Game, Penguin Floosy: B**ch!

This week I was given “Animal Crossing City Folk” to review for the Wii. Now I must admit I was in my typical, I hate that I am a girl and I get all the stupid games to play place, when I saw the cutesy little cover with the silly little animals. As I created my own little person and made friends along the river of this adorable little world I realized how perfect my life could be if I just lived in this type of fantasy. I built a house for a “friend” nearby and labeled him my boyfriend. I catch fish and grow trees and life is just plain simple.

Then this new penguin moves to town. I don’t even remember her totally ridiculous idiot name, but whatever it is I hate her. She started hitting on my boyfriend and talking trash about me to the other “townsfolk.” Why would someone build a game that simulated real life in this manner? Why do I need to login on a daily basis to be a part of small town gossip and floosy chicks who don’t know to keep their fancy tails to themselves?

Despite my frustration, the game is fun. I can see where children would enjoy playing as grown ups in a world they completely control. You get to make money, buy and sell things, and even decorate your own house. I have just chosen to stop talking to the neighbors.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Why Boys Suck!

As if the total boy atmosphere I work in isn't bad enough, today I walk in and it is like dude times ten. All the guys were scrunched around a single screen whispering, or so they thought. As soon as I walk up they all turn around like a bunch of teenagers caught in the girls' locker room. After a bunch of blubbering I finally elbowed my way past Linus to see some Tomb Raider video that could only be described as porn. Porn on the internet doesn't shock me but come to find out it is some lame guy's response to the whole Ken winning Barbie back thing. All I can say is the video played out to Barbie walking in and catching Ken with Lara Croft. So disgusting. Ryan McCord is the leader of this group, he should have more class. He should respect the beauty surrounding him and not get caught up in some ridiculous ideal. It makes him just like Ken, unable to have a real, meaningful relationship with a girl who would do anything for him. I mean, I am sure there is some girl out there who would feel that way.

While I am no big fan of the big DD Barbie idiocy that men are told to like, but I must defend her honor.  To sit there and watch her be betrayed by some plastic casanova who is wooed away by the seemingly double Gs of an animated whore who could not possibly be as skilled at tomb raiding as she portrays herself to be. Her boobs alone would get in the way of being successful. And when she is being chased I am sure she would have taken it in the chest at least once by now. To think Lara could come in and wreck a 40+ year relationship just cause she's newer is just sad. And to top it off he doesn't even apologize, he tries to guilt Barbie into taking him back by some public declaration? Why not put the truth on the poster. "I can't keep my non-specific private area in my pants, I don't deserve you!" That's what the billboards should say. Ken deserves to have those lame billboards all over town and I hope Barbie shoves one up his non-existent ass. Not to mention takes down Lara with a shiv.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Wii Channels, What's the Point?

I don't understand why I need to be able to use a Wii as an internet connection. I mean, I know why it is connected to the internet, but why would I want to surf the web via my Wii? Am I that addicted to YouTube that I can't bother to look at my computer screen? For that matter, why I need the Wii to give me the weather forecast, what am I? 80 years old? Like I ever go outside anyway, shouldn't they know their audience? You already have to have the Wii connected to a network in order to be able to get any of this information and I have to believe if you are connected you have some sort of computer you can use. It just goes to show everyone is always so busy getting in the middle of technology they don't think anything through. They just think we are all idiot bimbettes who think that if you just add more features we will think you are better.

I love being able to connect to play with other people, to be online and take on someone across the world in tennis, but I am not using my gaming console in order to get news updates. I just think there are many more interesting things you could fill that space up with. Why not deliver free trials of new Nintendo games to my Wii? Why not let me have my own channel so I can give a real review for the games? Now there is a real idea. That would show all those bimbos who's boss. Can you imagine me with my very own review channel? Ryan would finally have to take me seriously. He could see me as the master gamer I am instead of just the girl in the office. There is something about being on the screen that makes your opinion so much more important. Presidential elections turn on the viewpoints of people like George Clooney, she who shall not be named but owns babies from 5 out of 10 countries, and even Tom Cruise. Why shouldn't people listen to me when I have my own Wii Channel. Can't you see it, I could be the flagship reporter for the new Wii network. I wonder how I can campaign for this. Nathan used to know someone...stay tuned, my Wii Channel is coming, I am going to make it happen.